Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
