Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
