he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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