i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant