Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.