Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
