my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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