I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
