He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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