My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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