I hate all girls vehemently.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
