I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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