Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
