Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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