Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
bring money and cleavage
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
