right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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