I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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