If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
