Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
