someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
