so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
