on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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