Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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