hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
