Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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