You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
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My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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