Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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