New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
