Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
