Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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