duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
