he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
