Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
