apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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