Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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