i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
