Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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