I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
