first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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