When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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