Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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