i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
