shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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