It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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