Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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