in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
