I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
