You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
