I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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