It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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