Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
