So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
