That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
