You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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