My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
