Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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